Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
