Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
