I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
time to smoke my breakfast
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
