just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
