His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
God I need to hump something, right now.
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