So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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