Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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