Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
