Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
