WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
