it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
