i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sorry about my life...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
