Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
