Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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