The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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