i need an iv and a liver transplant
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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