if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
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they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
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I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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