and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
