just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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