I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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