We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
