I just saw a hot homeless man
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
