There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
