God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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