some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
