I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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