Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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