I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just found a bag of teeth...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
