worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
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