Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
