Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
