i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
