felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
