mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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