the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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