every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
