Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
