dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
