Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
