she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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