quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
