I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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