My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
