Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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