I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm both gender and math confused
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
