She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize