btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
