I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
