my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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