i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Boobs are out for the taking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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