I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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