I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
