awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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