Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
