my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
