If that was your dad, he is hot
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
