i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
