and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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