im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
my nose is crying tears of wow.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
