I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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