I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
