I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
