Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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